Don’t believe everything you drink.
Don’t believe everything you drink.
“But what would happen, daddy?”
I stood back up from kneeling. Feeling the pull on my knees burning in the position too long, I really had to think about it. What would happen if we let them all out? Would the asphalt streets affect their feet? Would they know where to go to the bathroom? What would they eat? As I roll Lucy’s stroller out the gates and down towards the lot I am distracted by this fantasy. We brought them back, so in a way, we’ve given them a new life. Would they know that? I click her into her car seat, and hand her back her toy. As I shut the door I notice a glint in the stuffed animal’s eye. I wonder, would they bite the hand that feeds them?
Lucy happened one night when we were tired of dating other people, hoping to “spruce up” our sex life, we ended up in bed together. That part was always good, or sex life. We never stopped fucking. We stopped talking. When my best friend and I ran out of stuff to talk about, well, the sex lost its charm. We were two nerdy, frightened, angry kids who found each other at a protest. Both hating the crowd, the mixture of body-odor and entitlement forced us to find refuge in a 7-11. After several cups of coffee and the first taste of junk food in years, we bonded. We stripped off our anarchist blacks and donned degrees and white collars. We became internal radicalists. We loved it — standing at parties, at colleges, at buffets while corporate behemoths prattled over cocktails, nodding and smiling all the while saving every penny we could to help support the homeless anonymously, or free the wolves in Utah, or bagging all the leftovers and taking them to shelters. To do something causal right under The Man’s nose gave us life.
Then, we became a part of the system. We forgot about the forest for the trees. Eventually, we stopped talking. I retired a few years ago out of being broken. Over time, I retreated out of being frightened. My wife decided to leave because I was becoming a reclusive asshole to her and the cat. Once Lucy was born, we thought holding off the pending divorce would help the marriage. It didn’t. It’s not anyone’s fault really.
When the dinosaurs came to town it shocked everything into place. We had talked about the zoo coming in and being built, and while we were both strong animal activists, the idea of a dinosaur zoo seemed so other-worldly we couldn’t really say no. It was so absurd of an idea, we both agreed to vote yes. A town of 9,047 people needs every vote and each counts so heavily that I guess we got caught up. The moats were dug, the concrete poured, and much building was had. They paid our town so much to place the zoo here we were finally able to get in stores that sold more than unlabeled meat and cow’s milk. We couldn’t resist being plied with organic food and an updated arthouse theatre. Again and again we’d drive by the acreage where the zoo was being built, shake our heads sipping our coconut water, enjoying a ride with zero emissions thinking there’s no way this will happen. We thought we had beaten the system.
Then the zoo opened.
And no one came.
There was no fanfare, no media, really. It was like it never happened. More like it had always been here. I expected it to be crazy and the town would go touristy and there’d some complaints and protests and some action, man. Something.
But nothing happened.
It was as if they were just elephants wearing costumes of bigger, uglier elephants. They looked nothing like what we had been raised to believe they would. The first thing you noticed was their skin. Not their size, not their uniqueness. It was their skin. It was smooth like a snake’s skin after shedding. Shiny and smooth and eerily ropey and muscular. The colours were daunting. In the National Geographic article where the artist renditions showed this new idea of these garishly-coloured, poorly feathered, almost mangled-looking creature that we once worshiped in a sense, it made the idea of their existence cartoonish and laughable. I now wonder if the writer was some wackadoo Christian theologian on the side and made the idea of dinosaurs so unattractive and uncool with the goal in mind to dissuade any “real Christian” for wanting to ever believe in them.
But when it’s right in front of you, it all makes sense. Like the feathers of a peacock’s tail or grackle’s nape they wore iridescent, warbling colours. On these monsters, as they were now being called, it seems the effect is a form of camouflage and mating decoration combined. When they move it is like watching the rippling rainbows of oils slicks as they walk to and from the visitors’ perch. Lucy loved it. We went nearly every day we could. We were often alone. Just me and Lucy and acres of dinosaurs.
When my ex’s new boyfriend began to gripe about my time versus her time with Lucy, I wasn’t prepared. I had been warned this would eventually happen, but felt I knew my former wife well enough to know she wouldn’t let someone push her around like that. When she showed up to get Lucy on a Saturday morning, unannounced, I knew something was wrong. I asked what was wrong and she just shrugged and started packing Lucy’s things. I stood convinced little by the story I had “agreed but forgot” about her going away with them for a week.
I moped about the near empty zoo for much of that week. I felt empty and afraid. I felt like a failure. This is the best she could do after me? This is potential step-father material? What did I do that made her like someone so shitty? I’d ask the slumped bodies over and over throughout the week. They made great therapists. one my last day of loneliness I bought a stuffed dinosaur. I cried all the way home with it sitting in Lucy’s carseat. I just needed her to be there, to be the consistent thing in my life. I slept next to it until it was time to go get her in the afternoon. It became a routine, the stuffed toy and I. I couldn’t go anywhere without it. I was becoming impinged on it. I left it home one afternoon to run to the store. I wept like a fool feeling like it was going to kill me if I didn’t let go a little.
As I pulled into parking lot of Ridgeway’s Market I found him. He was screaming. He was screaming at my ex-wife and my kid. I wanted to beat his face in, but as I ran up, I realized I have nothing if I touch the guy. I’d loose my kid and ex-wife. No contact. I felt baited and trapped. None of them saw me. In a quiet burning anger I watched the entire thing play out from a few feet away, behind an SUV. Cops came, separating the two adults. He was calm and blamed her loudly for being “off her meds” and acting crazy. She just cried and kept shrugging, practically rocking Lucy to sleep on her shoulder from it. I listened as best I could from where I was and found out this has happened before. And then, the one cop took Lucy out of my wife’s arms and handed her to the boyfriend. He acted over-gracious, put her in the car, wailing for mom. He got into his car, and there we watched, separately, him drive our screaming daughter away.
Each grey iris floated in a wash of red. Both my eyes had two broken blood vessels. I washed my face over and over. When Lucy’s mom called to tell me she’d have to bring Lucy over in the morning instead of tonight I said it was fine. I put on my shoes, then put my new boots on over them.
Tyrannosaurus Rexes were too big. Raptors were too unpredictable, but portable. It was the weird semi-nocturnal one I wanted. But I couldn’t get to it without going through the other two exhibits. Because there was so little interest and the dinosaurs were dying in droves, security was a complete waste of time. Their bodies couldn’t adjust to their diets or the germs or the Sun, apparently. But there was this new discovery the zoo was giving a shot; Pythanthosaurus. They felt it held the key to finding out what was killing them. After several attempts, they couldn’t get it to eat anymore. It was beginning to starve itself. I would take Lucy to the petting zoo portion, where this vegetarian was held with the others. The others were doing fine unless they caught a cold from a kid after too much handling or choked on a sock that was left behind, adrift on the concrete (in the moat) while a stroller takes a sleep-laden child away.
She and I would spend a lot of time with this little guy, who grew to be about seven feet long. When he was too tall, they put him in a different pen where you could only touch his sides. You could tell he hated being confined like that. You could also tell he had an affinity for Lucy. It was like he’d perk up when we’d show up.
The day I came by without her in a mopey mood, Pythanthosaurus was pissed. I watched as he paced and scratched at the ground. He’d come over, then jerk his head back like a horse. Then, after a bit of this, he’d sulk. I went to the car and returned with one of her shoes - a many-time left behind object. He came over and I let him sniff it. When he took it in his mouth I was afraid to let it go. I didn’t want him to eat it and that meaning he could eat her if he ever god forbid got out. But, I had little to lose. I let him take the shoe. He went over to the far left corner of his cage, sat down, curled into a half moon and licked it, grooming it for the rest of the day. He was a she. And she was in love with Lucy.
When the weekend arrived I explained to the boyfriend to get Lucy to stop crying, instead of yelling, maybe he should take her to the zoo. My ex-wife agreed to go along. I said no - let them bond. Lucy’s face was so full of fear when they left. When they returned he practically tossed her at me and locked himself in the bathroom. About an hour later he came out. He kicked me and Lucy out of the house. He threw around my ex-wife before she was able to leave for her mother’s. Lucy said nothing the entire ride home. When I lifted her out of the car seat I saw she was holding something. It was a sleeve. His sleeve. She ripped it off of him by accident when the Pythanthosaurus had grabbed his other sleeve and tried to pull him through the gating. She was silent the whole night. Finally, as we laid in bed nodding off to Curious George she looked up at me and asked, “Daddy. Can you make him go away?” I thought she meant the dinosaur. She shook her head no.
Like myna birds, certain dinosaurs are very intelligent, enough so to use tools. Like keys and switches for a reward. When the boyfriend showed up in the night to assault the Pythanthosaurus who nearly ripped him arm off because he started yelling at Lucy, he didn’t expect their doors to already be unlocked. Confused by the sleeping bodies next to dead ones and overwhelmed by the smells of rotting vegetation, chicken, and beef they refused to eat, he covered his mouth with his shirt. Lucy’s Pythanthosaurus didn’t offer pleasantries as she chased him down, for the short chase it was. When she snapped off his head it started a chain reaction within her metabolism. This fleshy, loud, easy to catch little ape - not unlike a fat capuchin - was exactly what she not only wanted, but needed. Apparently they hunted Purgatoriuses until the K/T event before ever getting to witness these primate-mouthed rodents evolve into people. They’ve been craving a similar diet.
Now that they have, they are thriving.
As I sit in my lawn chair watching fifteen, maybe sixteen, dinosaurs roam the cul de sac, I don’t feel fear. They know who and what I am. For now I am their king among edibles. When Lucy comes outside to show off the new dress I bought for her fifth birthday she stops before she entering the lawn. She hunches down and starts to walk on her toes, back humped, arms curled by her chest. She growls loud enough to catch the attention of Maddy, her “new mom”. The Pythanthosaurus comes from around the corner of the house. Maddy repeats the call Lucy makes and they sing to each other back and forth. When they get close enough, Maddy lays on the ground. Her skin is now duller and more alligator like. She’s missing more than we can accommodate environment-wise. Her life sysle seems near the end.
Lucy climbs into the half-moon shape and leans back her head to talk to her. The Pythanthosaurus brings her head down closer and rubs her forehead gently with her chin, like a duck mother to her chick. Lucy brought her what she needed to live as long as she and her siblings could in this era. I never thought a dinosaur’s gratitude could be palpable, let alone understood.
When Maddy dies a few days later, she is dehydrated like an anole that escaped its cage, found behind a couch. She’s too stiff to move to bury, so I cover her in a few blankets. I pack a half-asleep Lucy into the car, gripping her stuffed dinosaur from our first zoo visit two years ago. As we drive to her grandmother’s to stay until the rest die or move on, half-awake she groggily asks, “Are we going to see my real mommy today?” I tell her yes, but we have to let the dino-mommy go to do that. Yawning she agrees, “Okay. I’m done. Wake me up, please.” I say I will in a bit. Back asleep I call her mom and let her know we’re coming.
As I drive by the zoo, now empty save for bodies and broken constructions, I wonder what whoever comes after us will think. How many times have we uncovered tusks and shells and people frozen in mid-fright by time due to volcanoes, storms, fear? How many times have we turned over the same rock to see the mollusks imprinted in them and said, “Now, this is a new discovery. Look how far back we can see in just this piece of limestone.” What would happen when whoever comes next finally figures out they’re not next?
What would happen if they let us all out — again?
Her two kids were either off at their dad’s or asleep. As Lulu stumbled around the house, swinging her bottle of schnapps, I could feel I was beginning to lose control of the scene. I was in her bedroom when she went into the closet. She retrieved her birthday gift from a friend - a pink, pump action, single barrel Ruger shotgun. It was as if Japan and the NRA got together over venison sushi and said, “We need to fill the niche of future single baby-mommas in America.” It was the Hello Kitty of shotguns - capable of doing irreparable dame to a tree.
Or a child.
I asked where her bullets were and without hesitation pulled them out from the space above her, spilling and hitting her head, her boobs, the gun, and the ground in a rain of irresponsible parenting, all the while slurrysaying, “‘tis fine, Jacob can’t reach these. He knows not to get in mommy’s closet.”
A white and rusty school bus climbed up the dirt road, the single driver in the seat staring right at me, a sweat-streaked clown bent on HellVision to come and get me. The windows were lined with prison caging. I wake up in a full-blown panic attack. It was 4pm.
The afternoon toiled on as a humid stillness filled the well of country her house had settled into. Among the pines was an open field, a fire pit, and several obvious attempts at shooting practice. I held in my head the image a paper explaining the details of the death of three kids and two moms in Creek’s Harbor. And maybe not because a child got to the rifle, but because one of the fathers did.
At 11:59pm I poured out my last glass of wine. It was a Syrah or something I knew I would, miss, but the love wasn’t there anymore. I didn’t know it then, but a shift had happened. One minute later was Father’s Day.
Still in the thick of a catastrophic divorce and custody battle with a man who suddenly married a wall-eyed woman for money, and proceeded to pummel the shit out of me physically, financially, and mentally, I was staying on Lulus’ couch while we exchanged the kid through the week, trying to find footing anywhere between Ferrytown and Margarite.
Weeks before I was sitting in a bar in SE Margarite. I had my last two dollars and decided to have a beer instead of food. A kid about 15 years younger than me and I began talking. I remember not of what we talked except for one thing. Sitting to my right, he cocks back his head to finish his beer and says,
“Yeah, I used to go to AA.”
I say, “Me, too.”
He says. “We should go sometime.”
I get his number and write next to it “AA meeting with Dan” .
One of us brought it up first. Maybe it was him, maybe it was me. I do not remember. I don’t think I want to. If it was me, I’d be fucking horrified it didn’t come to me sooner through all my son and I had been through. It didn’t seem like a solution to anything at the time. It just seemed like a place to go. Well, go again. The first time wasn’t much of anything and I drank anyway after nineteen months.
But, apparently, I didn’t work a program to begin with.
Dying. This is what dying looks like for people like me.
Ten years before in the summer of 1998, after closing the coffee shop I worked at ‘til four in the afternoon, I was standing at a bus stop in what is now Magnolia City. I was being catcalled by the door-guy at the bar twenty feet away. He got mouthy. I flipped him off. He ran at me and lost his shit. I was shoved into the street, but it was a Sunday, so there was almost nothing driving through. As he continued to pelt at me I could see five construction workers watching. When I screamed for help, they all turned away. When my bus came he tried to shove me under it. He screamed and railed at the bus. I lived in Philly, NYC, Brooklyn. I’ve held up at gun point, beaten down by kids in school. The usual expected inner city shit.
But this place was a fucking problem.
I’ve seen guys scream and beat women in parking lots in broad daylight and was the only person to intervene. On the bus, no man will get up and step in when a woman and child are being screamed at by a group of guys. I’ll never understand why it’s like that here. It’s horrendous. It’s a city of pussies in that regard.
I got home, where I lived in a van on the side of my friend’s house, and put together something to eat to calm my nerves. By now I was eating purely alchi-vegan, eating only just enough vegetables and rice to leave room to drink about a gallon of any kind of alcohol I could get my hands on during a day. At105lbs. soaking wet, gin replaced my caloric upkeep.
As I sat in the living room eating and watching TV to detach from what happened earlier I saw something move in my periphery. I looked to my right and through the kitchen to the back door window I saw the doorman from the bar walking up the steps. He’s at the door. He sees my face and starts yelling.
I run into in my roommate’s bed room shuddering. I have nowhere to go. This fucker followed me and is going to rape the shit out mf me and leave me for dead. I waited and waited. There was nothing. I went out with a bat ready to beat anything that came at me. I walked out into he living room. Nobody was here. I slowly made my way into the living room where I first spotted the guy outside. I watched the door. Through the kitchen to the back door window I saw the doorman from the bar walking up the steps. He’s at the door. He sees my face and starts yelling. I go to run but stop. I turn back. There’s no one there.
I looked to my right and through the kitchen to the back door window I saw the doorman from the bar walking up the steps. He’s at the door. He sees my face and starts yelling.
I drop my bat.
I am alone with visions.
We didn’t even say good-bye in person.
That’s not what you do anymore,
Only once his hand cupped mine in a movie
as I held into his elbow as I had
so many walks
Men I have known and
loved and kissed and
stormed away from and pulled off my feet
begging to stay
and all the drama that comes with
finding fault in others and not yourself
in your twenties 90% of the time
is so far away from me now.
I am so far away from that now.
I simply reread a few letters until I cannot take it.
I cried in my shower.
I let them fall more with two friends
but no longer on the shoulders of strangers.
Even in meetings, it’s barely mentioned
except as a blip in life
and a chance at sanity
”being honestly disappointed sober”.
It’s far harder than it looks.
I try to think of things that had the capacity to annoy me later.
I keep coming up empty.
This fella got under my skin
the way all of the City does.
He was my dust of home I can’t shake from my hair.
We never kissed
We never made love
We never lied, just hid a little out of fear,
we never deceived, except by accident finally spilling a little salt
saying “Maybe I wasn’t ready for this”
saying “I was” when I actually was.
Something happens to the men who move here.
They trade in their spines for comfort
a fruit loop lost in its own bowl or orange milk
stuck to the walls via the law of adhesion
never pulling away to joining the others gathered in the middle
a lone loop fearing the spoon capture more than the loneliness.
His spine / my heart was still intact.
His heart / my spine simply was not.
When I close my eyes and think of him,
they instantly water.
I can’t picture his smile for longer than a second
as memory is already receding.
But that boy got something out of me I was unaware existed in there.
The ability to simply Like someone.
I liked him.
I didn’t love him.
Oddly, it hurts more.
The darker side to “Like” is it’s like any potential
you see in a kid who just won’t use it.
You ache and beg for them to do more with it.
”Like” sits on the couch stoned
eating brownie edges out of the pan
scraping for whatever’s left,
so long as it’s less work that getting up to go make more.
”Like” can be a dismal form of acceptance cuckolded neatly in a lie.
”Oh , I like him”
under most conditions
”I can’t say love or they’ll run.”
Such stereotypical…and yet.
Look, runners. I took off my track shoes long ago.
I don’t chase anyone anymore .
I may ache or pine
or do the usual bullshit
until I get recalibrated
and move on again.
But run to you?
Oh no - that’s for goats in winter to
sidestep treacherous walls to
find forage dangling above them
gaining momentum for a leap
to a desperate death.
I simply liked him.
Hearing his voice reminded me
of long hot days in the Cities
of the colonies
I still have several amends to make in.
But for a brief bit of time,
I was liked back,
by a man from the place I call home.
That I liked as much,
if not just maybe a little bit more than him.
So, it feels more like the City rejected me,
the City is saying good-bye.
And for There I open my closet
to find my cleats
under piles of the past
To what home do I run?
The hypnotist is a British-borne American and dauntingly beautiful;
incredibly compact and tall. The patient notices they have similar features.
She recalls a television show that presented the idea that
if you take a portrait of yourself, cut it in half down the front,
copy and flip each side, and match it back up to the division line,
it reveals two people.
One is a little more graceful and dramatic.
Thinner, sleeker - like a reserved gazelle.
Then there’s the other half.
That half, in her mind, was her.
The patient had trouble going under, worried
a flailing ghost hand will try and feel her hypnotist’s boobs
in the middle of the session, completely beyond her control.
They occupied her mind a lot. Very small and, she bet, and rather perfect.
In between crying jags about her father and her
second ex-husband she couldn’t help but feel awkward,
distracted. The worst of it was getting vulnerable. She hates being ugly
and vulnerable in front of pretty women. Her thoughts rotated through a
series of stresses those first fifteen minutes;
dad, house, crying, snot, tissues, boobs, more tissues,
needing to pee, mom, crying, more tissues, boobs, and so on.
When she was all cried out, the hypnotist was still there,
patiently listening and smiling.
Not embarrassed for her or by her at all.
So, maybe there was some trust,
which always meant some kind of hope was nearby.
She sniffled one last time,
put down her tissues,
laid back in the chair,
and let it begin.
Really? The first guy I see at the door is this guy?
And in today’s news….